It is stupid.
Or maybe I just really, really, suck at it.
I’ll admit- last night’s date went OK, I can’t complain.
I just don’t like dating in general. It’s uncomfortable. It takes up time. I feel like I’m being judged.
I met The Engineer out at a nice little eatery in Dallas, which was way too close to the ex’s hood. I was running about 15 minutes late due to improv practice, and I was a little nervous that I wouldn’t even recognize him because the first two times we hung out I had been a little tipsy. Read: Wasted.
Luckily, the place was nearly empty and he stood up like a gentleman when I walked in.
The conversation came easy. We talked a little about our jobs and our family; and then the conversation quickly turned to our Top 10 Desert Island movies, which I of course thoroughly enjoyed. Eventually we got to talking about our hobbies and much to my surprise, Mr. Engineer is a little more interesting than I imagined. In his spare time, he and his friends make mini-musicals and comedy rap videos. If I were at any other place in my life, I am 100% sure I would have fallen in love.
It wasn’t that I didn’t have a good time, I really did. He took the liberty of ordering the food. We ate steak and macaroni. He recommended the best drinks. He even paid for everything. Still, something didn’t sit right with me.
I’ve dated plenty in my life. I did the whole on-line dating thing for about 6 months, and I went on more dates than I ever wanted. But when it comes to relationships, I’ve rarely “dated.” The ex and I went straight from “we should probably just be friends,” to spending 5 nights a week together. That’s pretty much how all my relationships have gone. Dating, has always been a time-waster- just something I do to keep busy.
After dinner, he walked me to my car and totally went for the kiss. Once again, it completely caught me off guard. I think I even did an awkward biting his bottom lip move at the same time he tried to shove his tongue in my mouth. It wasn’t pleasant. Then, I completely forgot to tip the valet dude, and I’m pretty sure he noticed. I’m awesome like that.
Today was hard. I should have been excited that there are boys out there who find me interesting, but all I could do was think about the ex. I wanted to tell him about my upcoming show, about internet projects I’ve been working on.
I went home and checked my email on my lunch break. I almost went Loreena Bobbit when I saw that Blockbuster had sent me three movies that he had wanted me to rent, for us to watch together. I went into a moment (or thirty) of insanity and I loaded up a package full of movies we planned to watch, break-up themed CD’s I wanted him to hear, and a letter telling him him I was having a bad day and I missed him. I drove to the post office and I didn’t even allow myself a moment to talk myself out of it. I dropped that fucker in the slot.
About thirty minutes later he texted to tell me that our favorite local artist, Sarah Jaffe, had just released a video (one that could be an anthem for this project,) and I responded. We continued a witty repertoire for a few hours until I realized that I was being weak.
Then, around 8PM tonight 3 of my friends alerted me at once to let me know he had written them a lengthy apology for the way things went wrong. He told them he never meant to hurt me and that he hoped that one day they would understand. He also said that he was lucky that I decided to stay in contact with him and he hoped they would support me in my decision.
What in the mother fucking hell?
I don’t even know what to think about this. I know it sounds nice. But am I crazy to think he’s being a little narcissistic? That he overstepped his boundaries a bit by contacting my friends? That it’s annoying that he spent more time drafting a text of apology to my friends than he did deciding he wanted to break up?
Maybe I’m wrong.
But I think I’m right.
The Loves Of My Life 
Hm…texting your friends is an interesting move. I’m not exactly sure what it means. It sounds like he cares about you a lot, but I imagine it can feel very condescending when he’s trying to act all, “See, I’m acting like a grown man here”. After years of dating and getting broken up with and breaking up with others, I have no idea what’s the smartest move after breaking up with someone. My last bf, who I cared very much for, just disappeared. I was mad at first, but then was happy that he left me alone- I moved on. Then when I ran into him months later and he just stared and me and didn’t say hi, I got really mad again. Who the hell knows what’s the best way…?
Contacting your friends is seriously out of line, and a little on the crazy side. Dan Savage would probably phrase it better, but all I can say is: add this to the (hopefully ever-growing) list of reasons to be happy you’re single now, dude.
If he broke up with you….he doesn’t care about you like you want him to. Personally, it just sounds like he doesn’t want your friends to think he’s a bad guy. Don’t waste your time trying to read anything in to any of his actions….positive OR negative.
If I were in the dating game again, I would totally handle it much differently than I did as a teen or young adult. For one, I would take men LITERALLY for their actions. If they didn’t ACT like they were REALLY, REALLY interested in me…then I wouldn’t assume they are but just don’t know how to show it. This is the one thing I’ve learned about men. They mean EXACTLY what they DO.
Wow….this reminds me yet again how happy I am to be out of that rat race. If the prince had a younger, single brother I would soooo hook you up. (Mainly cuz I like to have other funny people at family get-togethers.) Hang in there girlie!
I smell some Narcissistic Personality Disorder there too, girlie!! Messaging the friends is clearly a “Please convince her that I’m not so bad” move, which, in my lingo, is a total jerk move. Yucky!!
No way. No fucking way should he have written your friends when I’m guessing you have not gotten your apology.
yeah it really comes off as a fail because it reeks of have it both ways move. Mixed signals and desire to not be disliked by all.
who knows thats just me.
To me that just seems maniplative. Like he wants to keep talking to you in case he changes his mind (you’re worth more than that obviously) and he doesn’t want your friends to talk you out of it. Esp with him saying he hopes they’ll support you. It’s like he’s saying “Look I’m Nice and you like me! Don’t tell her she can do better!”
But maybe that’s just me.
Either way, unless they were his friends too I agree that it was out of line to contact them.
Very strange… Sounds like he is trying to keep his options open. It ic nice to have the lines of communication open, but sometimes that is harder. It is really hard seeing my ex come and visit my kids. He doesn’t want them to think they have done something wrong and it just seems so natural chatting to him when he comes around. But so hard as well, because it is totally different.
Um, I would be PISSED! He needs to not email your friends – at all. He should be apologizing to you…seriously! Hang in there girl!
I think he definitely overstepped the line by contacting your friends like that. Like.. what would make someone think it would be a good idea?
Meh. People. I’ll never understand them.