He finally wrote me back.
In the emotionally driven, 3 page email that I sent- I told him that I wasn’t looking for a reply. I made sure to let him know that I didn’t want his pity, that the email was purely for my own venting purposes. I knew that he probably didn’t have any answers, and even if he did, I didn’t necessarily want to hear him. But the truth is, the email was begging for a response.
I also knew that at some point we would have to talk. I left his house nearly two weeks ago in a crazy emotional state and forgot several items of extreme importance. I haven’t missed any of them just yet, but eventually I’m going to want my mini bead box and my tupperware back. I’m pretty sure there is at least one pair of my dirty panties tucked behind his bed. And I’m almost positive I left a book that I started 3 months ago on his bedside table. I also left my entire collection of cds on the floor of his apartment, and I’m not going to lie, that was a little intentional.
I know I could have a friend go pick them up, but the crazy in me also wants him to have little reminders of what he’s missing, lying around his house. I never thought that I would be a girl of the “leave my toothbrush at his house so I have to go see him again” mentality, but that’s the way I feel.
His reply told me nothing that I didn’t already know. He said that he was confused, and that he wasn’t sure that he was ready for the last relationship of his life, and that he was under the impression that I was. He told me that he was happy with me, but that it was selfish to go on any longer.
I decided not to write him back. To think about it for at least a few days; I didn’t want to sound desperate after all.
And then two hours later I called him. I know. I’m about as strong as that little weird midget on Passions. I just didn’t want to play any more games…
The plan was to text him and let him know I got his email, but then the next thing I knew my phone was dialing and I had not a clue what to say. But you know what? He answered, and we actually had a good conversation. We talked about life, and a little about us… and I don’t think he sounded very happy. He is sticking with his decision but I know he misses me. He asked if I would like to get together with him soon, and I told him not yet. But I don’t know. I miss him, but I don’t think friendship is a good idea at this point.
In other news, I have a date tonight.
When I started this project, I decided I needed to be single for a while… at least until I learn something- and I still plan on sticking to that. At the same time, there is a part of me that just wants to be distracted, to have someone dote on me for a night.
The guy is nice. He’s cute. He’s an engineer, and about different from my ex as I imagine a boy can be. He sounded nervous when he called. We hung out last week, and at the end of the night he surprised me when he kissed me. It was nice, but definitely not something I was expecting, or even wanted.
And that’s nice. For the first time that I can remember, I don’t care. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I’m so used to calculating every move, every phone call, every text. Now though, the Engineer will text and it will be hours before I respond, and not because I’m playing some game, but because I genuinely forget. I like this. I want this. Call me a bitch, but it’s what I need to do right now.