The Break Up

My plan is to avoid writing about my actual relationship with the ex until this project is finished. However, I do feel that I should provide you with the story of how this all went down.

I didn’t see it coming.

Minutes before he broke up with me, he looked at me in the eyes and told me that I have adorable freckles.   “I love this man, I think I’ve finally found the one,” I thought to myself for the 89th time in my life.

I know. I’m that girl.

After casually slipping ”I think I’d like us to just be friends,” into our conversation about winter coats, I immediately went to that bad place that I try to avoid. It’s the place where I lose all rationality. The place where words start flying out of my mouth faster than you can say “cheese.” The place where if I ever went deep enough, I might be inclined  update my Facebook status to “My ex has three testicles, and IT IS NASTY.”

It’s the place that I like to call, “Fucking Crazy Town.”

I cried… and I begged him not to do this. I wailed “WHYYYYY??” in desperation. I took jabs at his character, his appearance, and his stupid cats.

He explained to me that I didn’t do anything wrong, and that he just needed some time by himself to figure out what he wanted.

And then I left.

The first two days were the worst. I could barely stop crying long enough to sip my double vodka soda. I kept dramatically walking around the house, throwing my arms up into the air while moaning  things like “But what did I doooo?” My friends told me that during a very drunken attempt at a karaoke session, I howled “I’ll never sing again!” and  then promptly stumbled my way up to the DJ and requested our song. That was followed by a very angsty performance  of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” that included the word “fucken,” 29 times.

The next few days were a little easier. Anger had began to sit tight in my chest where desperation had been before. I started channeling my inner bitch, and expressed my feelings through emo-tweeting. I retold the details of the break-up numerous times to all of my friends, my co-workers, and basically any ole’ stranger whom I could trap into listening to me.

On day six, people started to ignore my phone-calls and I was back to crying again. I had resisted any contact with the ex for almost a week, but I didn’t feel any better. I didn’t have any answers… and I got a sinking feeling that I would never be OK again.

I gave in and wrote him a carefully drafted 3-page email with  subject matter that ranged anywhere from “I’ll do anything to make this work,” to ” I never even cared about you.” I knew that I should have resisted, but it made me feel a tiny bit better to say the things I didn’t have a chance to say before.

Day seven was the worst. I stared at my gmail inbox for 9 hours straight and then went and had a breakdown at my friendly 7-11, where I had stopped to get Cheetos and wine. I locked myself in the bathroom and let myself have one final breakdown, and then that was it.

I took a few deep breaths and proceeded with my personal pep-talk.

“Girl, you are going to get through this. Even though you feel like you are more hurt than you have ever been before in your life, one day, you’ll be OK. So get out there, girl and make-out with some random guy like you did last night.  And don’t forget that everything happens for a reason, you will learn something from this. You’re going to get over this soon, you always do.

That’s went it dawned on me that I was right about one thing. As much as I felt like this is the worst feeling I’ve ever had in my entire 28 years of existence, I have felt like this before, and I do always get over it.

This entry was posted in Loves of the Past, The Ex and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to The Break Up

  1. ScoMan says:

    It’s true what they say.. time heals all wounds. Except decapitation. Decapitation is a bitch.

    Unless you’re one of those lizards that grows tails back.

    I found it hard to believe you would stoop so low as to bring his cats into it, after all they did nothing to you, but he did interfere with your vodka drinking, and that crosses all sorts of lines.

    • Those cats were the only things in my life that made me believe that we wouldn’t make it. Mostly because I kept almost killing them. Once I let them out of the apartment and he freaked out.. and then another time I left beads on the counter and one of them almost choked to death.

      Damn cats.

  2. jen says:

    ScoMan seems to have taken away all my funny…I’m sure I had something funny to say and then laughed too much at the comment above! Damn it! I almost feel like I’ve just gone through a break-up…with the funny! I might be back later (without reading the cat comment above!).

  3. Oh man, this is fantastic. I mean, it’s horrible, the worst feeling ever, but a fantastic description of it.

    During my last break-up people kept telling me, “Time heals everything,” which made me SOOOOO beyond angry. Because every moment is absolute hell and agony I couldn’t imagine any more minutes living like that. I mean, it’s true, with time the pain is assuaged, but I now think the best thing to remember, as you said, is that we always get over it. It’s so hard to remember in the moment, but it’s true!

    • Yes we do always get over it… but it doesn’t really get any easier.

      Unless of course you’re ex is a psychopath who claims his mom was murdered… but that’s a whole different story.

  4. Hipstercrite says:

    I love this! I’m so glad I came across your blog.
    That last line I’ve said to myself many a’times.

  5. Hellofrancy says:

    I once brought my girlfriend flowers and then proceeded to break up with her. I’ve never known why I did that … I think I thought it would lessen the impact. I’m pretty sure it did the opposite. His “freckles” comment reminded me of that.

    You’ve said this blog is “emo” … but the perspective with which you approach it makes it insightful and yes, funny. Looking forward to reading more. 🙂

    • Yeah, I can’t understand the freckles comment. Part of me thinks that he didn’t really plan on doing it.. but now I think you might be right… he was softening the blow.

      Either way… I wish I didn’t have that running through my brain.

      Thanks for reading!

  6. I’ve given myself that pep-talk. I think we all know that pep-talk, and when others give it to us it makes us cringe and makes things worse. But when we finally give it to ourselves? It’s like a breakthrough.

  7. red79 says:

    This is hard to read… I am on day 3 of being very unexpectedly dumped and haven’t hit any stage apart from ‘come back and I am so lonely and I cry at very inappropriate times’ The ony thing I refuse to do is change the facebook relationship status….he dumped me, he can change it. I am just sad. Your blog is great though, I am enjoying reading it even though it is very close to the bone.

    • I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this! I understand completely how you feel. I finally changed my relationship status, just yesterday… and that was a hard step. Just know that as shitty as it may seem, it will somehow get easier… I’m not going to lie.. I still feel like I have a long way to go, but compared to a week ago? Things are a million times easier.

      Just remember that you don’t need him to be happy. If you need anything, let me know and I’ll be glad to listen!

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